First, a warning. This post lacks wisdom and is quite literally about the mess I make. I'm working on honesty here, and honestly, my house is a mess. The truth is I don't usually care.
Except that two things happened. One, someone came over (that never happens). Two, I've been reading more blogs and find that- astonishingly- people frequently post pics of their homes. From the inside.
And they look like pictures in a magazine.
Who lives like that?
Apparently lots of people.
So between having the inside of my home accidentally observed, and a nagging case of blog pic envy, I was moved to clean. I got as far as my bedroom closet. Here it is after I'd been working on it for 3hours.
I thought I'd clean the other rooms too, but I only got as far as picture taking. I'm posting the pics here in hopes that I'll be shamed into actual cleaning, though I suspect my lack of housekeeping skills may win out .
The chalkboard-painted area in my kitchen says "Happy Birthday Mommy". My birthday was in June. The upper cabinets are missing the hardware because I took it off to prime and paint... 9 years ago. The colorful tile backsplash is not tile, it's paint. A "temporary" fix for the ugly white paperboard that was there when we bought the house.
Below is the dining room. The piano is no longer in use. I was planning on having a "piano-on-the-lawn-sledgehammer-demolition-day" until someone warned me that the strings could snap and take out an eye. Too bad; I think it would have been a fun time.
Below is the living room, which we don't actually use because, well, because it's a mess. We hang out downstairs in the family room, which is a bigger, more comfortable mess, but not pictured here.
I should admit that I haven't actually cleaned anything besides daily dishes since the last of the kids left in August. I think in spite of the abundance of kid clutter the house was actually neater when they were all here, and smaller. These days I find I'm too busy running, hiking, reading, thinking, sewing, painting or gluing something to worry about cleaning the house. And since there's no one here but Jim and me to see it...
And anyway February is such a good month for cleaning, why waste a nice October?
P.S. If you are one of the house-beautiful people, and appalled, I apologize for the distress my pics must have caused. On the other hand, if you are one of the house-messy people, please let me know. I fear I am alone.
I promise you I will never win any Mother of the Year awards. Some of you already know that my post of October 1st went wildly, unexpectedly viral, and generated hundreds of comments plus phone calls, emails and facebook messages. Many of the messages complimented my parenting skills. It's all very flattering, but...
My gang.
The post, if you haven't seen it yet, was actually a letter to my 19 year old daughter in college. It began as a quick email, sent because I missed her but also because there were a couple of things I wanted to tell her. Shortly after I sent it off I posted it in my blog, thinking it would be read by the 15 or 20 friends and family members that had been following since I started blogging in July.
Then the post went viral. As of today (10/09/2010), it has been seen by more than 250,000 readers, and continues to spread through the U.S., Canada, Asia, South America, the Middle East, Australia, Europe, and Africa. I promise you, if I had known, I would have cleaned it up a bit. I reread it now and cringe at a few of the more awkward sentences. I might have clarified a couple of points in more detail. But who knew?
And how do you follow that?
With something completely different.
Because I am really not Ms. Mommy Wisdom, and truthfully a little uncomfortable in the role. My children (2 boys, 1 girl, & one son's gf) have told me that they think I'm a great mom. That makes me happy, and I believe it is true in the way that all loving moms are great moms. But I need to keep it real here. I'm as flawed as anyone, and if I had to choose a mommy hero it wouldn't be the lady with her act together and 5 great kids, it would be someone more like Anne Lamott, former alcoholic, single mom, and refreshingly honest writer. Lamott is not a cupcake-making kind of mom, and is unapologetic about it. Because I have sometimes felt cornered into metaphorical cupcake-making- I feel like she's my Norma Rae. We less-than-perfect Moms need someone to hold up the UNION sign, only it let it say HUMAN instead.
I want to tell you about a couple of her essays, which I recount here from memory because I'm too lazy to trudge upstairs and find the books. In one essay Lamott recounts the Christian story of Mary and Joseph, their extended family and fellow villagers making the long trek back home from Jerusalem when Jesus is about 12 years old. They'd been traveling 3 days when they realize Jesus is missing. In the large traveling crowd Mary and Joseph assumed he'd been hanging out with his cousins and the other young people. So they are worried and not too happy to have to trek back 3 days to find him. And when they do, he's gets smart mouthy with them the way boys that age can. And Mary? First, relief. Then, in Lamotts wonderful vision, she starts fingering some rocks in her pocket...
In another essay Lamott relays a personal story about a time when she and her young son are traveling, and her car stalls and blocks an intersection. As she tried to start it up again she became flustered by all the horn honking and angry words of nearby drivers. So she asked her son to take a minute and pray with her. But it's noisy, so trying to be helpful, he rolled down his window and yelled to the honking drivers "Would you shut the fuck up? We're trying to pray here!"
If Anne Lamott is my mommy-hero, it is because she is heart-breakingly real, and has the courage to be brutally honest about her experience of life and of parenthood. Most of us just cannot go all the way there. Yet here is someone who has met her shadow, befriended it, brought it into light, and survived. Her gift to the rest of us is to say- look, what you are thinking, what you are feeling,- it's normal, it's human. You can love your child to pieces- you could be Mary, and still have moments you want to throw rocks at him, or worse.
Her memoir of the first year of her son's life, "Operating Instructions", should be required reading for all pregnant women and their partners. Let us all step off the pedestal, please.
Unlike Lamott, I'm not ready to go all out honest. It takes too much courage and energy, and I'm just not there yet. But I can confess one small thing. I lied about the cookies. Often.
I've included a musical video for those of you who'd like to listen to the sound I'll always associate with a change of form......
Hello my girl,
I wanted to say hi and tell you how much I miss you and that I hope your classes are going well and that you are having fun too.
But I also have to have a mommy moment- bear with me here. I won't take long, and I won't be saying anything I haven't already said in one form or another, but it is important.
You may or may not have heard about the NJ college student who killed himself last week because his room-mate had posted videotape of him having sex with another guy. A terrible, senseless tragedy.
My mommy job requires that I remind you of two essential things:
One:
Nothing ruins your life forever. NOTHING.
Two:
Nothing ruins your life forever. NOTHING.
If that young man had only waited a couple of weeks nobody would have cared- he'd have gotten past it. People have short memories- life would have gotten better, much better. His parents and friends? They loved him prior to the tape- they would have loved him afterward too. A few awkward moments and then life goes on.
But when you are young you don't know that even the awkward moments are fleeting. On this, you just have to trust the old people. Remember when you were really small and cried and cried over something? Well, it didn't last. That's kind of what it's like- awful things happen, you feel like there's a rock in the pit of your stomach, somehow time goes by and it gets better. I promise you, it ALWAYS gets better.
The students, a girl and boy, who were involved in the taping and posting-- they are being charged with bias crime, invasion of privacy and possibly other things. Their college life is over. They will have to live with this death the rest of their lives-- and their families are devastated. What they did was so wrong- but also so kid-stupid. Not to mention mean. And so their lives will be different forever- but even so- their families will love them and they will have time enough to hopefully live in such a way as to make meaning from their mistake.
So, my beautiful girl, never, ever think something is unfixable. NOTHING you do will ever keep us from loving you. NOTHING you do could be so awful you can't get past it.
And if someone is mean to you, and it isn't something you can ignore-- seek out people to talk to about it. Surround yourself with people who are supportive. If you ever need help and don't know how to ask- try writing a letter instead. And right now- before you might need such help- think about who you would talk to if needed. In the midst of turmoil sometimes we don't always think as clearly- having a plan makes it easier to find help in crisis. And remember there are always alternatives. Always.
Finally, don't be mean. Don't let other people be mean.
Stand up for the underdog, protect those who aren't as smart or confident or easygoing as yourself.
Treat people's feelings like fragile little puppies- if you play with them- be gentle.
I love you so much and I know you really don't need me to tell you this stuff.... but it's my job.
Love and hugs,
Mommy
Addendum 9/16/13
It's been nearly 3 years since this letter was published, went viral, reached a global audience, and ended up permanently linked from multiple websites including Ellen Degenere's. Some wonderful students even made it into an anti-bullying video. (I've included links below).
I am humbled and grateful to all those who reached out to tell me what my letter meant to them-- thank you. I am so glad that the letter continues to reach a wide audience.
There has been some positive news- teen pregnancy is down, gay marriage approval is increased and there are more successful anti-bully programs then ever. New Jersey passed new statewide rules which prohibit public school athletes, coaches and even fans from using language against the gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion or disability of an athlete. When I was young it was common in sports to hear words like "pussy", "faggot", and "retard". Today it will get you kicked out of the game or out of the stands. So there is progress.
Unfortunately a quick look at some statistics indicates a disturbing increase in suicide rates among young people this year (2013). I leave it to the experts to speculate on the causes, but clearly there is still work to be done so that our children can grow up feeling hopeful and supported.
On a lighter note, I am delighted to report that the original reader of this letter, my daughter, graduated last June and is currently happily employed in the field of her choosing. She and her siblings are all out of the nest and doing well, for which I am very, very grateful.
