I'm beginning to rejoin the land of the living after a long, unproductive, unwelcome, unintentional withdrawal. The adjustments required by an empty nest, aging parents, and impending work and retirement choices are, for some,
No Big Deal. But for me, and presumably others, it is a sea change requiring major reinvention and the questioning of Every Single Thing I've Ever Done.
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| Our sold van; the end of an era |
This past year is the first that we've had with no kids at home, not even over the summer. We sold the van. We cleaned out some closets. We were just beginning to appreciate some of the small differences- ordering one pizza, leaving our door open, an empty sink at the end of the day- when Grandma moved in.
Now we have an ugly wooden calendar hanging in our kitchen and a stuffed pink Laz-e-boy in the living room. The electrified chair comes with an "Eject" button from which G'ma springs forth when she's finished watching the Joy Behar show. Also, the wall fell down.
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| The Wall that Stole my 51st Summer |
It was a necessary retaining wall, and estimates to have it replaced were well out of our reach. So we had to build it ourselves. In June and July. During a heat wave. I call it
The Wall that Stole my 51st Summer, and I figure the wall owes me a year. Building that wall was the hardest sustained physical work I've ever done, but it turned out great, and I know I should be proud of it. But I am only resentful.
With an empty nest, a husband scheduled to retire soon, and no real ties to my local community, I had hoped to move. Somewhere far. Somewhere interesting. Somewhere G'ma would also like. Somewhere Cheap, most of all. Start a new chapter. Figure out what I want to be, besides a parent. But I haven't a clue where we can go or even whether it will be possible.
And so I've spent the summer, and most of the fall, in a funk, a pit, a sleepy drowning-ish, gloomy gray space lacking joy, with no real desire to do anything at all. I recognize depression, I've been friends with it before. I suppose as it goes mine is a mild case, but still.
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| Asbury Park NJ Zombie Walk 2011 |
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It's so easy to know what to do (get out! get active! spend time with people!), and so hard to actually do it. But I'm making some progress. I finally wrote this post, for one. I went with Jim to my first (awesome) Zombie Walk. I'm taking an exercise class. I'm looking into other paid work. And I'm in the market for a friend or two. Who live nearby, because I am very, very lazy. Also, if anyone knows the meaning of my life (beyond raising the best 3 kids on earth), please let me know. I'm quite interested. And if you live in an Interesting and Cheap place, I'd like to hear about that, too.
